Brooklyn, How Ya Folks Doing Tonight, Give It up for Yourselves! I Love This Crowd!!! Take It Easy on Me Folks, It’s Hard out There for a Guy Dressed Like a 12-Year-Old!!!
Ma’am, Do You Like This Outfit? This Is from the ‘Peaked in High School Collection’. thank You. Appreciate It. Alright, Not Bad, Not Bad…
Show of Hands - We Got Any Women in a Relationship? Show of Hands, Anyone. Don’t Be Shy. Don’t Be Shy. Ma’am, Is That, Is That Your Boyfriend. Sorry? No I Heard Ya, I Just Said, “I’m Sorry”!!!
You Guys Are Cool.We’re Gonna Have Fun.We’re Gonna Have Fun.but I Shouldn’t Make Fun. Maybe I Shouldn’t Have Too Much Fun.Ya Know,I’ve Always Had Trouble WithTheLadies.I Took a Woman on a Date Recently.She Said,“Can I Buy a Bottle of Wine?”(More)
Try to Be Silly on a Date, You Try to Be Silly…Uh….I Took a Woman on a Date, She Said, “What Do You Do for a Living?” I Said, "If I Told You, I’d Have to Kill You.” She Said, “Please Tell Me.”
It’s Hard for Me to Relate to Women, to Relate to Their Interests. Took a Woman on a Date, She Said, “I Love to Cook.” I Said, “That’s Great, I Love to Eat.” She Said, “I Love to Go Biking.” I Said, “That’s Great, I Love to Eat.”
I’ve Always Had Trouble WithWomen, Even from a Very Early Age. in High School I Ended up Having to Take My Second Cousin to the Prom, Because the First One Turned Me Down!!!
Tough Week for Women. I’ve Been Dating…
I Took a Woman on an Online Date Recently - Has This Ever Happened to You? She Looks Nothing Like Her Online Profile Picture - This Happened to Me. in Her Profile Picture She Wasn’t Crying!!!
I Was on a Tinder Date. She Said, “You’re Good WithComputers, Right? Can You Help Me out?” I Said, “Sure.” She Said, “How Do You Delete Tinder?!?”
Dating Mistake!!! Oh Man - I Recently Made a Dating Mistake. I Asked out Two Women to Be at This Bar at the Exact Same Time. It Ended up Working out, They Both Said “No.”
I Took a Woman on a Date Recently, I Said “I’m Having a Great Time.” She Said, “We Have Nothing in Common!!!" I Love This Crowd!!!
I Will Make up Anything to Impress a Woman…Especially the Woman, Folks.
Dates Don’t Work out, Ya Know, Sometimes It Can Be a Little Interesting. I Once Dated a Woman Who Was Really into Sudoku…During the Date?!? Now I Thought That Was…I Mean I Heard Dating Is a Numbers Game but This Is Ridiculous!!! Oh Man…
Even When You’re in a Serious Relationship You Can Tell Things Are Gonna Go Bad. One Time I Was at a Restaurant and I Asked the Band to Play Our Song. The Band Broke up!!!
I Don’t Know Why I Don’t Get Women, I Look Like the Boy Who Lives Next Door…to a Wendy’s, Folks. Thank You!!!
A Woman Told Me I Was a “Once in a Lifetime” Guy. I Said, “How About a Second Date?” She Said, “Once in a Lifetime!!!”
I Don’t Mind If a Women Throws Her Drink in My Face, I Just Wish She’d Hold on to the Bottle Next Time!!!
No, I Mean It, I’ve Always Had Trouble. Last Night I Texted a Woman, “U up?” She Texted Back, “No, I Am Not up.”
It’s Hard to Be Intimate When You’re a Fat Guy Like Me. One Time I Asked a Woman to Put Her Arms Around Me. She Said She Had to Be at Work Early the Next Day!!!
My Ex-Girlfriend Was Pansexual. A Lot of Guys Think That’s Pretty Hot. I Used to Think Being Pansexual Meant You Were up for Anything in the Bedroom. Turns out Being Pansexual Means You Sleep Around WithThe Guys at Pizza Hut!!! (More)
Even When It’s a Slam Dunk I Can’t Get It, Even When It’s a Slam Dunk. A Prostitute Went up to Me, She Said, “You Wanna Have a Fun Time?” I Said, “Yeah!” She Said, “There’s a Bowling Alley Down the Block!!!
You Know, You Gotta, You Gotta Do Your Best. I Was at a Bar, I Overheard a Woman Say, “If I Get Drunk I’ll Sleep WithThe Next Guy I See.”so I Bought Her a Few Drinks, Got Her Drunk, She Looked at Me and Said, “Where’s the Next Guy?!?”
I’m Not Saying My Ex-Girlfriend Had Intimacy Issues but the Song She Would Put on When We Made Love Was “U Can’t Touch This.” C’mon Guys, That Joke Was Funny at 4am in 1993.
I Was on a Date Witha Woman Recently and She Told Me She Wanted the D…Death, Folks, OK, That’s..Gruesome, Gruesome, Macabre, Macabre…I Understand…
It’s Tough,It’s Difficult,It’s Difficult to Have Sex. I Tried Having Phone Sex WithSomebody-Too Many Hang-Ups! You Know They Say It’s Very Helpful to Use Pillows During Sex- (More)
I Was Having Relations WithA Woman - She Said, "Can You Hold on for a Second, I Need to Move." Now She Lives in Hoboken!!! Should I Have Said Maspeth?!?
Oh No, I’ve Always Had Trouble. You Know Recently, A Very Difficult Situation - I Caught My Girlfriend in Bed WithAnother Comedian. I Asked, I Said, “What Have You Done?!?” He Said, “I Was on Comedy Central...”
But Enough About the Sex Jokes, Right? Sex This, Sex That, I’m One of Those Guys, I Don’t Like Sex. I’ve Made up My Mind. but Uh, Maybe I Shouldn’t Knock It ’til I’ve Tried It, Amirite Fellas.
We Talked About Women, My Career. You Know What’s Really Hurting Me Is That I’m Fat, I’m Not Gonna Lie About It, I’m a Big Fat Guy. You Wanna Know How Fat I Am? (More)
They Had an Intervention for Me Recently, They Said, “Steve, You’re Here for Overeating.”…I Said, “Great, Let’s Get Started!!!"
I’m Tellin’ ya! I’m so Fat, I Uploaded a Photo of Myself to the Cloud, And It Started Raining!!!
I’m Fat!!! I Can’t Use Instagram, I Have to Use Instakilogram, Folks…Due to the Fact That I Am Large…
Ah, Social Media’s Tough, Uh, I Can’t Be One of Those Instagram Comedians, I Have No Filter, Folks!!!
They Tried Doing a Roast of Me Recently, And They Had Leftovers…They…They…
It’s Hard to Relate to People When You’re Fat, Ya Know, I Told Someone to Put Themselves in My Shoes, They Went Missing for Three Weeks!!! What Did You Write Today, over There. (More)
If You Think I’m Feeling the Pressure, What About This Stage, Amirite?!?
I’m Fat!!! I Went into a Bar, And the Max Occupancy Limit Sign Said, “Well, It’s Anybody’s Guess Now!!!”
Goodness, OK, Ya Know Uh, I Was Recently Uh, I Was Recently on a Movie Set, And I’m Telling You, Because of My Excessive Size, They Didn’t Say, “We’re Rolling.”, They Said, (More)
I’m Fat!!! I’m a Fat Comedian - Second City?!? More Like Third Chin, Amirite Folks, You Guys Know!!! Somebody Book Me, Hey, There We Go.
I’m Fat!!! I’m Not Gonna Lie About It. I’m a Fat Comedian. I Recently Got Booked on a Late Night Show - As the Couch, Folks!!!
Somebody Was Fat Shaming Me the Other Day, He Was so Mean, They Were Telling Me Fat Is Unhealthy, I’m Disgusting. I Wanted to Stand up and Yell at Him, but When I Stood up I Got Dizzy I Had to Sit Back Down.
I May Be Pretty Fat but You Know What, Actually, I Think I’m the Picture of Health - A Before Picture!!!
I’m Fat!!! I Recently Went to the Gym and They Renamed It James, Folks!!!
I’m Not Saying I’m Fat - But When I Went to My Therapist, He Said, “I Don’t Do Couple’s Counseling.” That’s Two People-Shut up Back There. Who Said, ‘Uh.’ can We Get a Pepto Bismol for the Third Row. Come up WithYour Own Sociology Riff. (More)
I Went to Food Court and I Was Sentenced to Life Without Parole - And That Doesn’t Even Make Sense, People, Let Me Tell Ya!!!
I’m Not That Fat I Just Retain French Fries. How Ya Doin’. thank You.
I’m Trying to Lose Weight, I’m on the Paleo Diet. Me and My Pal Leo Eat Mozzarella Sticks…That’s Right, Why Not? That’s Right, Why Not. Oh My Goodne-
Some of You Guys Have Probably Heard These Jokes a Hundred Times Before…Sorry I’m Memorable, Folks. OK, You Guys, Sorry I’m Memorable. Talk About Gigs, I Had to Do Some Embarrassing Gigs to Make Ends Meet. (More)
I’m from Staten Island Myself, New York, Very Difficult to Perform There. I Recently Performed at a Comedy Show in Staten Island, The Host Asked the Crowd to Give Me a Staten Island Welcome. They All Started Drifting Aimlessly Through Their Lives.
