small void - in the morning every day

I've been trying to find a socially acceptable way to tell you
You make me wanna die and i don't even know you
I know i hurt your friends, that's why we're no longer friends
Did you think that i don't think about it, did you there was an end
To me tryna figure out where the fuck i went wrong
Did you think you could treat me like that and not end up in a song

About how i think about it every day
Cos i think about it every day

I know i need professional help, i'm not doing well on my own
No matter how hard i try to learn new skills alone
For three years i did research and took notes and made lists
Of what i thought i would cover if i had a therapist
Well that shit went nowhere, i was stuck and freaking out
Till i got a real therapist and we talked about

What i think of every single day
Cos i think about it every day

I hate that i couldn't be the friend that they needed
They tried to be patient till they were totally defeated
I thought it was largely my fault for being too afraid
To truly let them in and look at the mess i made
Cos we all grew with wounds that we don't know how to heal
I know it's too little too late, but know that it's real

I was ensnared in the web of an elaborate smear campaign
Ten years in the making when one pounced on the shame
And used it as a weapon, but called it a great gift
He told me i was useless and salvation was him
Somehow i lost my way and learned that i was no good
I trusted when he said i couldn't see what my problem was
Every time he found a new way to put me down
Nodding passionately was the safest way out
Till everyone around me thought it all must be true
That i deserved the drowning that i was going through
Eventually i asked him to look at what i saw
And as soon as he agreed that something was wrong
The next thing that happened? he quickly cut me off

And now i think about it every day
I think about him every day
And it makes me want to die
He made me want to die

I know you won't believe what i learned about my pain
And i worry you'll get sick pleasure from it anyway
I have nightmares of you that feel so real
Of being humiliated and shoved under a train's wheels

I wake up wanting to die
And i've been wanting to die
For the past three years when before that
I didn't wanna die, but now i think about it every day

I wish i could just talk to them and try to figure out
If there's anywhere we could go from here
But i highly doubt
There's any way it would be safe for me
And that's all right i have these memories
Of when we loved each other
I'll remember that forever

I think about them every single day
I think about it every day

Now that i have true friends i don't know how to explain
Nothing i've ever felt before has come close to the same
They're brilliant and kind to me, but i'm stuck inside my head
With distorted hyper vigilance when i should trust them instead
Cos it wasn't all my fault, the way things fell apart
But i couldn't see his abuse till those kids ripped out my heart

I think about it every single day
I think about it every day

I couldn't talk about it cos i didn't know how to feel
The ugly things and small ways that they made me feel
But it's all making sense now, i know what's true
I finally figured out what's me and what's you

One in particular was the charmer of them all
Following his lead they saw in me what he saw
And for a long time, i believed it too
While biting my tongue till my tongue was blue

It took five years to finally lift the shroud
And begin to clearly see what was following me around
It took so long to start to stop wanting to die
And the interim was suffering, it was so hard to survive
And the thing that made it worth it is what got me stuck at first
I think friendship is holy barring narcissism's curse

I think about it every single day
I think about it every day

I suspect that there's still people
Who he tripped into a free fall
Who would say i'm full of shit
That i'm simply delusional
But that's more proof for me
That his abuse was complete
He picked apart my friendships
And destroyed my credibility

I think about it every single day
I think about it every day

I've been trying to find a socially acceptable way to tell you
You make me wanna die and i don't even know you

I think about it every day

Written by:
Cecily Finke

Publisher:
Lyrics © O/B/O DistroKid

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