Zyaa - Mad Hatter

I’ll talk about my relationship with you
Transparent
I know my tone is angry
I’ve disappointed you more than I’ve broken myself
I’ve lied to you
Betrayed
Thrown swears
Whispered and spoke of hate
All while saying I love you in the same breath
I guess that makes me a liar
God I wanna ask you 21 questions without defying the rule of questioning you
Is that okay? Or will they crucify me for that too
I hate church, but I don’t hate you It feels like a sin to admit so To admit that in church I feel like a freak show I wanna know what you see in me
How praying feels like an awkward intervention but you made that the main communication line
Can you hear me with my eyes open
Closed eyes make me susceptible to thoughts I’ve been hiding from They keep speaking of me being chosen is that why I always feel isolated
Yet so close to you in tongue
Do you know my heart or my mind Do I confuse you
Being conflicted I am afraid that I won’t ever live up to your expectations
I’m a mess More damage than goods
Made in your reflection trying to harness what parts of this body deserve to be called Godly Do I deserve to be mentioned as one of your daughters or a lost girl
I’m growing up now
I’ve known that church is the biggest stage for poison and pretend but to not let that define my experience but I am afraid I’ve been tainted
And I try
To be everything I am
And everything I’m no
At the same time
And to be more like you
And fear no evil because you are with me
But evil and envy have thrown daggers at this heart piercing through like wounds I cannot heal from
Am I too late
Too late for redemption Too dirty to be a savior
Too mental to be found Too deep in sin to be grace
GOD am I worth anything still
I’ve tried scrubbing sin off bleaching skin
Tried to hold smile like womb holds baby
Tried to hold it together all while losing it
Feel much like the mad hatter
In my efforts to control
I have control issues which I know
Puts me at a spectrum far from you
I’ve wanted to give you this pain
But for some reason pain seems to be
The only thing that gives me purpose
What is my purpose
Do I have one
I’ve made so many mistakes
Yet so many look to me like the Gifted
I tell them about you and
Wonder if sometimes I am speaking to myself
Am I anything without the pain
Am I a poser
Am I love
Did you make me with love
Will I be one of those people who never find it.
When I pray I sometimes feel silly
Can you hear me
Why won’t you ever say anything back
God this always feel one sided
Much like my relationships Please
Respond

Written by:
Dayana Lee

Publisher:
Lyrics © O/B/O DistroKid

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