TurtleFrogMan - I Had A Talking Anus

Many years ago my dearest friends
I suffered from a very strange affliction
So strange that by this time story ends
You'll think this tale nothing more than fiction
But I swear when I'd partake of alcohol
My anus spasmed which perhaps is not unique
But here's the strangest part I think of all
It felt as though my anus was trying to speak
I had a Talking Anus
I know it sounds absurd
I had a Talking Anus
Though it never said a goddamn word
I had a Talking Anus
It would open and close like a mouth
I had a Talking Anus
I had a medical issue down south
it would open wide and then as quickly close
Like when your hand is flat and then you ball a fist
You need a doctor's help for symptoms such as those
So I sought the advise of a top proctologist
Before you can see the doctor you must submit to
An enema which clears out a path for his probe and his scope
But my talkative anus wouldn't let the rubber hose get through
But I thought it was just a formality at least that was my hope
I had a Talking Anus
I didn't have the enema required
I had a Talking Anus
Just wait until you hear what transpired
I had a Talking Anus
I had no enema to clean out my bowels
I had a Talking Anus
I hope the doctor has enough paper towels
On this day the doctor was joined by a medical student
She was roughly my age and quite beautiful as I recall
I gave a thorough account of my symptoms as I thought it was prudent
I said, "My anus starts talking whenever I drink alcohol".
They both snickered at each other, just imagine how I must have been feeling
The doctor told me "pull your pants down, put your chest on this table and be still
A motor raised the table up, and my anus looked straight at the ceiling
The doctors scope was inserted directly into it against its will
I had a Talking Anus
My naked butt cheeks point up to the sky
I had a Talking Anus
With this gorgeous young intern close by
I had a Talking Anus
In a different setting I would have flirted
I had a Talking Anus
But at that moment I had an anal probe inserted
As I explained before, I didn't have the enema needed
To clear a path for the probe and waste was pushed out forcefully
And I could hear the tissues rustle in his hand from up where he was seated
And he asked this gorgeous intern "now do you want an A or a B?
The implication was, if she cleans me up she get an A and if not, its a B then
And there I was with my bare ass to the sky quite ridiculously
And then I heard her nervous laughter, from upside down her face I couldn't see then
And I'll always remember she said, "No thanks. I'm fine with a B"
I had a Talking Anus
I don't which one brought me more pain
I had a Talking Anus
The procedure or the intern's disdain
I had a Talking Anus
I didn't understand before now I get it
I had a Talking Anus
If your anus wants to talk then you should let it

Written by:
BD Shapiro

Publisher:
Lyrics © O/B/O DistroKid

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