Erases Eraser - Solitude

Attention friends and family
You are all such empty, pathetic people
That I often considered not leaving a suicide note at all
Because after all, you people aren't worth it
But that's rude, I changed my mind
I want anyone and everyone to know what happened here

To my wife, Charlotte
Hopefully it has become obvious to everyone in our lives
That I would still be an architect if it weren't for you
You were always criticizing me, attacking me
Nothing I ever did was good enough for you
I suppose you expect me to cherish you
For finally helping me get clean
After years of enabling me
But I never got clean for longer than 8 seconds at a time

I was a young child with a lot of talents
I could have been a developer, an architect, an engineer
But because I used to hang out with jazz musicians in the early '60s
I have to pay the cost of being helplessly addicted to
Heroin, marijuana, and OpenBSD for the rest of my life
My potential was stunted at a very young age
And I blame my parents for that
It's a shame those eight rehab programs never worked
Thanks for letting me die thousands of dollars in debt
I attended private school in Billings, Montana, even though
I lived in the Busby-Lame Deer Community school district
Wellington Wood Academy gave me a thirst for learning
And an immense disdain for being taught
My early years as an adolescent were spent in a fury
Trying and failing to learn x86 assembly
And copy and pasting answers from the Board Games Stack Exchange
During this time I experimented heavily with crayons

My 23-year marriage with Charlotte is, was
And will always be completely empty
It was hopeless, tired, and devoid of any human emotion
We felt nothing for each other from day one
She knew it as well as I did
It was because of this that I cheated on her with
Betty, Polly, Sue, News Stand Girl, Redhead at Dave Matthews Concert, Monaeiqua
LaShaunDay Day, the Waitress in Budapest with the nose rings and stomach tattoo
Bernadette, Tiffany the Real Estate agent, and several underage
Brazilian prostitutes whose names I've never bothered to learn
Because of their vocation and their stunning lack of
Contraceptives and spermicides
I'm shamefully and terribly sorry
I probably would have cleaned up my act if I was
Really in love with Charlotte, but I wasn't
The worst thing I ever did was sleep with her sister
For four years: the belly-button years

I would like to shamefully and humbly apologize to my son
Whom I assaulted with a sock full of pennies when he was only a tyke
At the ripe young age of 4, when Narrator Jr. was a little fuck
He was very talented at building symmetrical, geometrically correct
And detailed structures; in a nutshell, Legos
He had built the top 22 stories of the Empire State Building
I have a very foggy memory of that night because I had lost $14,000 at the casino
And was strung out on Crystal PTSD
I told Charlotte it was just Max Wellman
But from what witnesses tell me, I destroyed his Empire State Building
And broke his heart
This was partially your mother's fault
For enabling me and letting me throw away our life savings countless times

To my daughter, Jacqueline
I know having your father commit suicide when you're - 18 now, right?
Can only fracture your life and give you even more problems with men later on
For that I apologize
But to directly address what you said to me last week: Fuck you too
Try not to key up my headstone your family
Can barely afford the way you did my Mercedes

From when I was 25 til about 40, I was really into taxidermy
It was a cheap way to kill and torture animals
I got to arrange their bodies into hilarious positions
And stuff them with cotton balls and styrofoam
I even made them little costumes
I made a fire department made of little squirrels in fireman costumes
A police force of possums, and
A flock of seagulls dressed up as A Flock of Seagulls doing
Their hit song from the '80s (It was a weird time)
Even though I loved taxidermy
And I loved mutilating what were once defenseless animals,
I absolutely hated the smell of dead things
Charlotte threw out my collection multiple times due to it
As the stuffed brigade was starting to traumatize the children
The squirrels and neighborhood rodents were often missing eyes, tails, or limbs
And a fire marshal and his fanny pack full of raisins accidentally fell on
The heads of our dinner party guests while they were
Putting their coats away in the closet
That ruined everyone's appetite for veal
But made for great dinner conversation

My parents began sending me to psychiatrist appointments at the age of 9
Most of them pronounced my name wrong
Emphasizing the "tor" instead of the "Nar"
As in "nar a-Tor"
I mostly lied to them and made up things about my life
Anything to get the attention off of my real issues
I played them all like a fiddle
Usually getting them to prescribe me Vyvanze and Adderall
Once Klonopin, and to tell the truth
I bet a lot of so-called psychopaths are capable of it
I destroyed all of my relationships before they even started
I knew what would have really happened if I had told them the truth
That I was playing them for drugs, that I killed small animals for fun, that I
Masturbated in my little sister's room weekly for a sexual thrill,
That I frequently self-harmed by sticking needles in my pelvis
They would have locked me up in the looney bin and threw away the key

Now, my biggest and perhaps only sincere apology of this entire letter
I humbly apologize to the Sheraton Hotels Cleaning Service and Chambermaids' Union Local 722
Not only for my rudeness to their intrusion
During my autoerotic asphyxiation two hours prior
But for the enormous amount of blood and brains
I'm about to blow all over their steamed, tucked cotton sheets
I should have put a tarp on the bed
Now I considered a lot of methods to suicide before deciding on the
.357 my father gave me for my 20th birthday
I would have went with an old-fashioned hanging
It would have been convenient since I had the belt out to choke myself with
While I was masturbating to Asian fetuses
But my neck has been so sore and stiff from doing that so much
That I just didn't want to have any more strain
It itches, I also don't want to be found that way, by anyone

The idea of an overdose is tempting
And I do appreciate the thrilling irony of a long-recovered drug addict
Who has overdosed on accident multiple times, using his own placebos
And withdrawal medications to die on purpose
Too stupid
If I'm leaving this world high, I want to get really fucked up
And since Charlotte threw out my little black book of dope dealers
My second-to-last rehab trip, I've had no way of getting any
So overdose is out of the question
Plus, I've gotten a good look at a guy who tried
To kill himself by overdosing and lived
He had the mind of a two-year old and drooled creamed corn
On his Thomas the tank engine sweater

Written by:
T. Babcock, Tanner Babcock

Publisher:
Lyrics © O/B/O DistroKid

Lyrics powered by Lyric Find