Exit Se7en - Cole

If you decide you hate me then I'll take that choice, but
I gotta tell you my story before you take make that choice, son
You gotta understand, yeah, I need you to believe
Even though I wasn't there, I never chose to leave

The problem is that I don't even know where to begin
Because I don't even know what all your mother has said
And I don't want to cast any blame or point a finger
I just don't want your father to be such a fucking stranger
So, I have to start way back at the very beginning
It's the only way we can make any sense of the ending
So, let's take a pause here
Alright

When your mother got pregnant she broke up with me
She packed all her bags and drove back to Boise
She said she still loved me but needed her family
And I was like, alright
But of course I wasn't about to just give up my son
So I did exactly what I thought should be done
I worked my ass off and I saved every cent
I sold everything I owned and away I went

It took me a few months to save up the money I needed
In the meantime she was calling me every night to fall asleep, it
Made me think that she wanted me to step up and make a family
And that was what I wanted, it was the only goal I could see it
Was confusing in the end, though, because I called up a mutual friend, like, "yo
This is going to be romantic as shit
Ask her to hang out and I'll make a surprise visit!"

So I got on the Grey Hound for the first time
Said goodbye to my family for what I thought might be the last time
Three days later I'm downtown for the first time
And I'm with your mother at a diner around lunch time
Then I sat there for an hour in the booth dude
While she locked herself cryin' in the bathroom
When she finally talked to me later, she told me please don't hate her
But her mother didn't like me and she really didn't expect me
To move up to Boise, and how could I be a father if I didn't have any money?
And I sat there sipping water thinking, "am I going crazy?
For six or seven months she has been talking to me
Telling me that she really loved me and she wanted to be a family"
And then she also tells me that she was feeling lonely, so she's seen some other guys
She was really truly sorry, but if I make some money then maybe she could be with me
She'd talk to her father who owned a boat on the water

So one week later I'm on an plane for the first time
Got into Seattle right around breakfast time
I caught the airport shuttle for the first time
Started working on the boat around lunch time for the first time
A few days later it was go time
Took that boat up the coast line then into the Bering Sea
We were so far out in the ocean we were halfway to being Russian
My beard was always icy and the swells were forty feet
We slept four hours a day killing fish for a fee
Two months later on the second offload
The captain gives me a letter from your mother, says "I know
It's hard out there but hang on it's gonna be worth it
Oh and I slept with someone again, I know you don't deserve it
And I'm sorry about that, but you weren't around and I needed somebody like that
And we can talk about it when you get back
But I decided to name him Caleb, I know you don't like that
But if you keep on saying it, I think it'll sound right, yeah?"
If you keep saying it, I think it'll sound right, yeah?

So I pulled out my phone and checked my voicemail
There's a message from her saying, "Hey, I hope you're well
But you have a son as of two days ago now
So it's time to get back here and quit playing around"
And in the background, I can hear the sound
Of a two-day old you sayin' "gaa gaa goo"
And right then all I could think of was you
I really didn't care what she chose to do
Like, even though she kept saying that she loved me
She kept saying that she couldn't be with me
And her actions matched her words quite obviously
So I just figured that she was probably just lonely and she really didn't want me

And I thought to myself none of this matters now
It's not the family I dreamt of but it's my family now
We can be cool and we can be friendly and we can have our own unconventional family
The only thing that matters is Caleb himself
I'd get back to Boise or I'd go to hell
But I wouldn't give up on being his dad
I was so goddamned glad to be the father I never had

Soon as I got back I knew I was in trouble though
She wouldn't let me hold you unless she was in the room, yo
But I kept my mouth shut, I smiled and obeyed though
When she left the room I just looked at you from the cradle, yo
Like, she literally wouldn't even let me change your diaper
And what am I supposed to do?
Fucking fight her?
Hell no
She was stressed out so I said, "hey I get it"
Even though I really fucking didn't

And it hurt so fucking bad but I knew it wouldn't help if I acted mad
I played along, accepted the welts
I guess I was dad from a distance, through the resistance
Two nights later I'm in the hotel
I get a message saying that you wasn't well
You had some kind of lump on your neck
Could I meet her at the hospital just to check?

Here's where shit got really fucked up
You were going to be okay, they could just remove the lump
But you had to stay in PICU and they wouldn't let me see you
Your great aunt told me that she was more important
Because of the limited space and I should just forfeit
And your mother just sat there staring me like, "What dude?
Just go wait your ass in the fucking waiting room"
And I did
For days I waited
Then the next day she sent me a message from inside your room she's like
"Can you get me breakfast?
Oh and John's here too, you remember John?
He's the one I was sleeping with while you were gone?
He's hungry too, so if you don't mind
If you got his too it'd be really kind"
And I fucking did

I went to the restaurant and got them some food
I slinked my sorry ass into your room
I smiled and I handed over the food
I even said a polite, "How's it going, dude?"
Your mom smiled back and said "thank you
But you gotta go now, because you know there's no room"

So then I said fuck it, I guess I'm not wanted
But I kept it polite, I smiled and fronted
I said, "the hotel's expensive so what I think I should do, is
Go find a home and set up a room for when he comes over
And get the fridge full of food, if I'm going to be a father first I need electric and water
If there's anything that you need me to do, just let me know and I'll come running to you"
But the next day the doctor took a look at you
They said you were all better there's nothing else they need to do

Hey, you remember that mutual friend I mentioned back when this song began?
That was Hannah, and Hannah went bananas because she ended up on heroin
Hannah had another mutual friend with your mother, her name was Brianna
And at the time I didn't know her
But she sent me a message and asked if we could meet
To talk about helping Hannah, so we got coffee on 8th street
Well, me and Brianna ended up hitting it off
And your mom caught wind of it and ended up cutting me off
From seeing you and when I asked why she said I already knew
She said I cheated on her and I couldn't be your father if that's the type of shit I'm prone To do

I swear to god I'm not making this shit up
It went down exactly like this, it was that fucked up
Then she started telling the whole town that we had been together
And that we had a family and I turned out to be a bastard
And I cheated on her with her best friend
Who, I should mention, she hadn't hung out with since she was like fucking ten
I don't know, maybe not that long, but I know it had been years
Like, they didn't talk and they had different peers
And the only reason they knew each other
Is because they went to the same church when they were younger

Anyway, I'd meet people and they'd be like, "oh, you're that asshole?"
And I was just so fucking confused because I had tried to be with her
And I made every excuse for all of her behavior and emotional abuse
Like, we lived together before she was pregnant with you
And every other weekend I'd pick her up drunk from some other dude's
I'm not judging at all, and this is true
I'm just saying that "he cheated on her" just wasn't fucking true

Anyway, after that a few weeks went by before she let me see you
And she said it was because I still couldn't afford to be a dad to you
I shit you not, she started charging for your time
And at first that was completely fine, because I wanted to support you
And if she needed the money I'd gladly give her mine
But it was thirty minutes here and an hour over there
And we couldn't meet at my home and that didn't seem very fair
But I kept smiling and handing over the cash
I was eating ramen and she was taking stacks
First it was fifty, then seventy-five
hen it was a hundred, then one twenty-five
When it got to one fifty, I said I can't survive
These thirty minute visits are eating me alive

Believe it or not, I'm the one that suggested child support
It was stupid in retrospect, but her visits couldn't be afforded
See, I naively thought that if we made it all legal
Then the court would make her let me see you because then we'd be equal
So I filled out the papers and then she signed hers and I turned it all in
And I thought it would end
But then she went dead silent
She wouldn't answer any phone call or message sent
A few weeks later, maybe even a few months
She asked if we could meet, and I said anytime I can leave at once

We met downtown at a local thrift store
And she told me she appreciated the court order but she needed more
She said she needed to see twice as much as the court had said
And if I couldn't do such then I'm as good as dead
So, I said, "Listen
First of all, I can't even afford it
If I could, the court would have ordered it
Second, You won't even let me see my son anymore
Why am I paying to be a father if you won't let me be a father anymore?"

Then she doubled the amount again
And then, I swear to god, man, she said
"This is how much I need to pay rent and utilities on my own home
I should not have to work at all
I should be a mother and you should be my support
That's how much it will cost for you to be a father
If you pay the other amount I said then I will at least let you visit him
But, I will not go out of my way for those visits
I will let you see him only if I happen to be in town and have a few minutes free
Also, if I ever hear you call yourself his father in front of him
Then you will never see him again
As far as he knows you're just a family friend"

I said, "I can pay only as the court ordered it"
She said, "That's unfortunate"
Of course you know how it ended because I never saw you again and
Through the years she let me call you a couple of times
And after every single time I just bawled and I cried
Sometimes she would call me up randomly and say
"You can talk to your son anytime, literally"
And I'd say, now's good if it works for you
And she'd say "he's busy now, what else can you do?"
So I'd say how about tomorrow, I'll make the time
And she'd say, "that doesn't work either, but anything else should be fine"
And I'd say how about the next day, seriously, literally anything will fucking work for me
And she'd say, "well he's pretty busy but I guess we'll see"
And then another year or two would pass before she'd answer me

I do know she likes to say that anytime I talked to her I didn't ask about you
And that shit pisses me off so much because it's also not true
The truth is that anytime I asked about you directly
She would immediately go back to ignoring me
Over the years I slowly learned that any information about you had to be earned
So, if I stayed on the phone and acted like a friend
Then eventually she'd tell me something about how you live
I also know that she tells me that she gave you the choice
But I know that's at best dishonest because you didn't know my voice
You were just a kid and the only thing you knew about me was what she wanted you to
I don't blame you for not talking, because why the fuck would you?
To you I'm just some fucking asshole that left you

So when I finally got to talk to you for myself, maybe you can understand
Why I was so fucking scared and so goddamned happy, man
And I've debated telling you all this so many times
To think that you'll hate me for it leaves me completely terrified
But you just cannot think that I didn't want anything to do with you
Because absolutely nothing could be further from the truth
I know it hurts to hear, and it probably leaves you confused
But the complete truth is that I completely love you

Ah, shit, the beat ran out and I didn't plan this shit
I should probably go back and edit this shit, but fuck that shit
I'll just keep on going and tell you what I have to say
Alright, so the rest of these lyrics say

We've missed out on so much, and we'll never get it back
I know you call someone else dad, and honestly I'm glad
As much as it hurts, I'm glad
I'm glad
I'm glad that you had someone to take on the role that was taken from me
All I want is for you to be happy
And if this song makes you not want to talk to me, I'll take that too
As long as you're happy and you finally heard the truth
Caleb
I guess she was right about one thing
That name kinda grew on me

Hate me if you need to
I get it
The world you grew up in is different and I get that
Just know that even if you choose not to talk to me or call me dad
I will always be here for you however I can
But if you ever get bored or have any questions, man
Come by for a while
Or you can even just call me, I'd be glad
Literally anything will fucking work for me

Written by:
Adrian Bartholomew

Publisher:
Lyrics © O/B/O DistroKid

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