Sapita Music - shortlist

Four years in the making
Might ramble here quite a bit
So take a seat, gather round
Welcome all to my shortlist
Of what I'm going through, I wanted to share it with all of you
And clear the air a little bit
Say it all from my point of view
I haven't seen you in a while
All the dust has been settled now
It couldn't hurt to come and vacuum
Before I sell off the house
Before I stop talking 'bout this and the story fades into black
Where's the remote
Rewind the clip
Yeah, I'll start by taking back
It's Spring of '17
Sitting shotgun there in my car
You said celebrities are sad, no matter how big or small
It was interesting comment, but something I took to heart
Cause If I go and chase my dream, knew it's nothing if we're apart
Though I loved when we spent time
Felt like nothing could stop my drive
And there were other things involved
Not the only thing on my mind
But we'll visit that in a bit, fast forward to that August
Before everybody leaves like arpeggi and weird fish
It's Summer '17
To be honest, I'm feeling bored
Pretty natural for couples, never had a reference point
To know that I was being selfish
And taking your love for granted
All you wanted was my time
While the effort I gave was slanted
Wasn't that hard to realize as I slowly became a liar
Hiding my true self from you and putting on a disguise
Cause when you needed my help
I was faker than gas fires
Turns out I'd do anything
To be the well liked college try-hard
That was back when my playlists sounded like frat party basements
Dreams of being a famous DJ just to find that I'd hate it
Always traveling, never home
Late nights in those stale clubs
With burnt out thirty years olds
And people shallow as drugs
Always catching the next flight, surface level every night
And as soon as your record dies
Career will be right behind
To each their own
I realized that would never be mine
So why'd you mention it
Because I didn't know that time
Second time at The Cutouts
Always said that's the one
This time I really shut the door and let you open new ones
It only took me a month
'Til I was bored of the fun
The fun I was never having
Was just some problems outrun
It's like I'm not happy with you but worse off when I'm alone
I tried to work on myself
And figure out what was wrong
The other thing on my mind
Idea of some freedom
What a joke, you always had it
Now this can't be undone
You always hurt the one you love
Well at least that's what they all say
And in this case not only you but myself too along the way
I'd never felt this type of sadness
'Til it looked me in the face
Cause I remember those nights
Body drained, head up in space
Knew I had made a mistake, labeled myself a disgrace
And started digging a hole I'm still crawling out of today
That was a cold end to fall
A bitter start to that winter
And little did I even know
The worst had yet to have begun
There was a text in December
Not ready to break it off
Ran from all communication, our closure was next to none
That was just me being dumb
Deep down I wasn't either
But I'm so damn stubborn, my stupid pride had outwon
Afraid to open this back
Repeat the cycle again
So I gave it some more time
And tried and work on myself
But you were stronger than me, put yourself back out there
I can't expect you to wait around
Always knew that was fair
It's second half, junior year
Always knew that you'd be pursued
It was that seven zero days
To hear rumblings about this dude
First time y'all were together heard through a Venmo request
Trace the steps, figured out It'd been going on for a bit
There's nothing left in my stomach
But guilt and an empty pit
I play out in real-time
Through a screen in my pocket
And I can't even explain the pain I felt in my chest
I'd never been so heartsick, the blame was all on myself
We all let it ride, I saw you from time to time
Like walking back from my classes
Or at Quals or at Little 5
But then every other time he was always by your side
I knew that something had clicked
And I was on the outside
I couldn't stop thinking 'bout it, no matter how hard I tried
I'd burned the boat and the bridge
And strayed myself on the island
They say life's better there
Oh man, I'm calling bullshit
Cause on an island alone, it's just your mind and Wilson
I dreamt of Cast Away versions that had an alternate end
Still not a sign of expiring, I prayed this was just a stint
I can't expect you to know that
Can't read a mind like psychic
Afraid, I kept to myself
Threw up the ignorance, bliss
It could've been so easy Zach, why didn't you just say something?
Because I have to write a song about it
In four years I guess
Well you can joke all you want, but you still have to admit
You haven't smiled the same way ever since the day that you left
It's Summer 2018
Had to stay in Bloomington
Always wished I had time for music
Got my chance, this was it
But every single time I, sat at the keyboard to write
My mind was in the wrong place
Creative blocks at new heights
Knowing that just a few miles
North of my South centered head
That you were taking on the summer with someone else instead
I barely passed all my tests, spent that whole summer in bed
4th of July fireworks solo in my apartment
I stayed up late every night
My new best friend was named Twitch
And that's not even a joke, being completely honest
I didn't write any songs, I didn't make any friends
I started asking myself
Like, how much worse could this get
Man look at you, this is rock bottom, can we snap out of this
And go get ready for next year
A time for you to start fresh
There's plenty fish in the sea
You'll be alright in the end
I tried my best to believe it, put on a mask to pretend
So now it's fall of senior year
Made a fool out of myself
Tried to be someone I'm not, and paid the price with my health
And Saturdays I felt broken
So broken up over you
My pride was raging to compensate
Desperation just grew
And plus you honestly looked happy
Not in me to interfere
I think that was the hardest part, when I just had to come to grips
That we we're done
And I might as well try and have some more fun
Cause I blew it, in the end it had nothing to do with music
Didn't make up for my character
Played for that duration
Called it Fall in Bloomington
Wish it was an exaggeration
That glass floor I created shattered eight months ago
And I was so disappointed
I never picked up the pieces
I was above that. I hate that I couldn't say that no more
I didn't know who I was, forget the big metaphor
That was identity crisis, the indication was clear
Felt like it was just November now it had been a whole year
Because I woke up every morning
Felt worse than the night before
I tried to brush it off but only really made it to four
At least by then, there was probably beer bath on ice
The feedback loop I tried to hide with
Some more liquor and Juuls
That would go on for a while, didn't even mention the flight
That I kept under my bed
To help my sleep every night
Man. I just wanted out
It's so ironic that I
Was miserable during the year they said's the best of your life
It's January 21st
I still remember the date
You asked me how I was doing
I let it out, "I'm not great"
That week we met for some food, I tried to tell you the truth
But only made it halfway
Plus you had something to do
See, life is funny like that
I used to dread simple texts
Eighteen months later feels like I'd do anything to just chat
Just sit and talk
But this life ain't a game
There's no resets, no save points
And you're just gonna have to deal with that
The hardest part was seeing networks that were built over time
All of the overlap of people I think liked us 'til I
I had to make it 'bout me, and play the victim again
Pretend you caused all of my problems
When it was my own doing
Cause if ever find someone, they won't know any of my friends
Can't say the same about him
Y'all had some time to sink in
Hey Zach, this song is too long
If you don't like it, hit skip
And go put on some other playlist made by the algorithm
Cause man I hated this
Like look at all of our friends
Nobody else understands what life was like from Dayton
And then to go to IU, and see all the changes through
I always thought that was special
Something just for me and you
We had a gas this is true, wish it was four and not two
Those nights we'd close down at Kilroy's
Still don't have one to review
And yeah that kills me inside
This is no elegant lie
I wish we had blowout party at Grant Street with our ties
But all those chances I blew, selfish behaviors accrued
Thought that the grass might be greener
Something that I always do
It wasn't ever about you, or even the music too
Cause now that music's my life
It's like I only want you
And that's the most human line I think that I'll ever write
Nothing I can change today
Guess I'm just here to shine light
To try and help someone else, and save you all the heartache
Before you're writing shortlists
Talking about your mistakes
So graduation '19
Felt like I can't celebrate
Entire family in town
But couldn't solve my self-hate
That final night
Thanks For Playing
Turned into K. not O.K.
I didn't mean to interrupt but I had no place to stay
I crashed in your friend's room
Nothing left that I could do
Entire body felt broken my knees collapsed in that room
I woke up early at six
Hopped in my old Ford, escape
And left that campus destroyed
By 46 and 3rd Street
2019 Beyond
Tried to start over again
Reflect on where I went wrong
If I can't now, tell me when
I dedicated myself, to fix whatever I'd built
Had nothing to do with others
I did the searching within
Remembered all that I loved, like all my family and friends
Who just wanted to see me happy, I want the same for them
I tuned out most of the noise
Started a brand new project
I called it Sapita Music
To document all of this
Don't want to use my full name
I hate talking bout myself
And I think nicknames are lame, I guess this compromise helped
Learned what a real record was
I gotta shout out to Dissect
From then I never hit shuffle and learned to write with intent
And studied all of the greats
Like Tyler, Kanye, and Frank
Already knew Mac and Donald
But not Lamar, Beyonce
Packed my bags for Chicago, westward up the interstate
Straight to the Washington & Wells
Apartment studios bassment
Sheffy's fun house was lit
With Vince and David, and Nick
I wish that you could've seen it, I'm super thankful for them
Those were some happier times
Frequently saw all your friends
Here and there in Chicago, still felt like something's amiss
Spent loads of time at the gym, and I had some other wins
Until I realized they're nothing without someone to share them with
Guess I was doing okay
Had money piled in the bank
But was the least fulfilled in life I can remember to date
And then of course Covid hit
And we could all feel the shift
Where life shrank to screens and laptops even smaller than this
To a 4k monitor, life made of highlights and clips
They said the meta-verse is coming
This is already it
And yeah my job made me miserable
Didn't care for weekends
Cause every time I went out
Was thinking bout' you and him
It's why I left every party to go and write all of this
Besides the more that I drank
The more upset I would get
Turned to my dreams half the time
Felt like I could see you there
I'd never put it together, Inception made way more sense
The real estate in my head
Memories to hold onto to
Over whatever we miss, something I think we all do
That's why we record the moments instead of just living them
So we can go and re-visit
Like, how ironic is that
A bunch of digital days
With some fake dreams at night
Was tenant to the Landlady that's no longer in my life
The isolation was real with no new people I met
The bedroom office made it easy
To just blame circumstance
We all asked when it would end
I wasn't worried bout it
To busy filming all of the footage for the single JAKIC
I had enough of that job
Found motivation to quit
I just wanted to make an album, didn't care what it took
Moved myself home for a year
To save up two years of rent
And fund a studio lease where I would write all of this
So now it's 2021
I ventured out on my own
I know this song's dragging on, promise that I'm almost done
Went on a mission to finish all of these fragmented songs
And bring the story back home before the damage is done
Damn, the clock is ticking faster when you're having more fun
Really wanted to take my time, say everything that I want
I would spend weeks all alone
In the notes app writing poems
Some days not drafting a word
And other times maybe one
And before I even knew it felt like a huge afterthought
Kept turning down all these plans
While tying this record knot
Because, all of a sudden nobody called anymore
I'd made myself unavailable
Tied it up in with my worth
Turned into Fridays where I would go to bed around five
After recording all day and tending socials all night
It made me question if I, wanted music in my life
If all I do is create and spent the rest of it online
Like that's not even real life
That's what they call Truman Show
Where you see everything as content
You can pimp for a post
Except you choose what people see, they've granted you full control
That's the musician to me, least in the era we know
And all the ones who succeed at heights to alter their feed
To build a massive facade designed to stroke their ego
And I'm not built for that industry
I can't live in my phone
Like this might be my only record
Think I'm already done
It was the fall of that year
I had a breakdown again
Went for a super long walk and tried to let it sink in
I felt like something was coming
Just didn't know how or when
Thought maybe I should reach out and tell you how I was feeling
Still that seemed super unfair
To put that burden on you
Like after all of this time to open back out the blue
They said the guy move on faster
I'm testament that's not true
I prayed so hard for an answer
Cause this was all that I knew
You know
Whatever your bear is
Are you getting it yet
Let me ask you a question
What is it that is your bear
Could be the death of a loved one
A lost relationship shared
A friend you no longer see
Something that you can't relive
The fact you won't be young again
Or that you're too old for it
Or the gap in your teeth
Maybe your height, or your age
Or everything you regret
Anything that you can't change
A disability, your family
A mistake you made
You wish you would've done x
But missed your chance it's too late
That's what I'm getting at here
I have been living with one
It's kept me stuck in the past, I've tried so hard to move on
I let the wrong one go
And what she is was too rare
She set the bar too high to where nobody compares
And now I live with a fear I'll never feel the same way
With someone other than her
Like it's been twenty-five years
Still that's my problem not hers,
It's not a game to compare
I'm not here to get mad someone was waiting right there
I know if I ever loved you
Your happiness is the care
Cause that's the point of this story
The point that I have to bear
Well, if you mean that, this part's really going to hurt
Are you ready
It's November 24th
And yeah I just saw the post
Waiting in line at the donut shop cornered to Benham's grove
Across the street where we met
Fifteen something years ago
Over a middle school playground back in 4th grade passing notes
Way back to paperback lunches
The only girl that I know
Just like a marion's pizza It came full circle and closed
I saw the ring on her finger through a small screen on my phone
The dagger finally landed
I didn't know what where to go
I swear my head hit the floor, my knees were weak and arms sore
Felt like my body had left me and all that's left was a ghost
Threw out a dozen of donuts and bolted straight for the door
Sped down the 48 road and made it back to my home
Rushed up the stairs in a frenzy cried in my bedroom alone
Stayed floored for 48 hours and missed our thanksgiving toast
They're asking what's wrong with you
Don't act like you don't know
When all we do is watch our highlights
Through some apps on our phones
Leave me alone
The end
Sike
A couple days past
Caught flights back to Chicago
Completely swallowed by sorrow I had to change the tempo
I couldn't take it no more
Tired of the place I called home
Time wasted spent in my head feeling so sorry and gone
Consulted my best friends
Told them I want to move on
They said that I always could
This is a choice, never fate
Just like your happiness, your attitude is in your control
We're tired of seeing you like this, so let's get up and just go
And in the strangest of ways
That was great the antidote
That moment I feared the most, brought me a mountain of hope
Cut every app on my phone
Still only opened my notes
Focused to cut out the fat, until this album was done
Kept asking God for forgiveness he helped me write what I wrote
Reminded me nothing's final
No matter how big the blow
Because, even if the answer's not the want that you want
I have the answer for you now
It's that you have to move on
It's either that or sit here and wallow
Get nothing done
And you've already tried that
Now let me ask how that's goin'
Want you to write all these stories until they all fit at once
I promise someone will need it
You too will help them move on
There's no redemption through music
Forget that pressure, have fun
Cause only I can provide that Through faith in My only Son
Promise this was meant to be
I'll show you that clarity
One day you will understand
Just put your trust back in Me
So now it's 2022
Meant every word that I said
I hate to put it on a track
Felt like it's all I had left
I tried to make it make sense
With the right words and this pen
But found the more I try and write
The worse the poetry is
I'm no longer staying in
Done losing touch with my friends
I'll be the one to check in, I'll be the one to make plans
Not making any excuses
Not dealing any reasons
I'll free up all of evenings
And man you better believe it
Cause yeah
Whoever needs to hear this
You got to get up and go
It's hard to put in the legwork
But homie, hope that you know
When you get into that mode
When there's a fork in the road
That going down's not the answer to any good anecdote
Whatever you think your missing
It won't just knock at your door
Nobody's ever going to call you if you aren't calling first
That's called your pride and ego
They'll sweep you under the floor
And any sense of entitlement makes a shitty environment man
The culprit is you
Your thoughts and your attitude
We need to leave it all behind
Or else we'll never break through
It's what they call gratitude
No I'm not here to accuse
I know there's millions of others here feeling stuck in my shoes
There's not a second to lose
I know that God is the truth
And every single word I write intends to show you that view
Let's take a break, circle back
Get those intentions in check
Give you eight bars to reflect
Before I change the subject
For good
Pause
Please hold your applause
Don't throw another pity party
No that's not what I want
I want us all to restart
To leave what's dark in the dark
And get up early again
Get everything that you want
The choice was always on you
No matter what you've been through
Tomorrow is never promised
Today it shouldn't be used
Just leave the stories alone
And then alone they'll leave you
Thanks for listening to the shortlist
Of what I'm going through
Gotta' leave this alone
Gotta' leave this alone
I gotta' leave you alone
Gotta' leave this alone
Guess I'll leave you alone
Gotta' leave this alone
Gotta' leave you alone
It's time to leave you alone

Written by:
Zach Sapita

Publisher:
Lyrics © O/B/O DistroKid

Lyrics powered by Lyric Find