J. Harrison Ghee, Christian Borle and "Some Like It Hot" Original Broadway Cast - You Can't Have Me (If You Don't Have Him)

My folks were small-time grifters
Yeah, and counterfeiters, too
They never did the kind of things
That most kids' parents do
Most fathers make a living
Keepin' books or pushing broom
But mom and dad made homemade dough
Right in our living room!

But when the heat got too intense
They took it on the lam
My father left a note that said
"Be better than I am!"
Then Jerry's clan across the hall
Stepped in to save the day
They took me in and raised me right
And that is why I say

That he's the needle, I'm the thread
He's the butter, I'm the bread
He's the fruit and I'm the peel
He's Achilles, I'm the heel
Yeah, he's my brother through and through
Like the Marx, the Wrights, the Grimm!
Yeah, you can't have "tea" without the "two"
And you can't have me if you don't have him!

Alright, back to work!

But don't you wanna hear Jerry's half of the story?

Gotta give the people what they want!

My folks were in a business, too
The business we call show
The house was full of hoofers
We were strictly S.R.O.
They taught me every time step
Then I shuffled off to school
But on the south side of Chicago
No one loved this dancin' fool!

The gangster kids all knocked me down
And made off with my lunch
'Cause I was taught to buck and wing
But not to land a punch!
But then Joe here had a brainstorm
When he saw I couldn't fight

I played the odds against him

And we ate ice cream every night!

Yeah, he's the bait and I'm the hook

I'm the goose and he's the cook

He's the beans

And he's the gas
I'm the balls

And I'm the brass
You can't break up a winning team

Like that crutch and Tiny Tim!

And so you can't have "ah" without the

"Choo!"

And you can't have me if you don't have him!

Oh, when we play, it's just a fact
Our music fills the air

It's true that opposites attract
And so we make a perfect pair!

'Cause I'm the third, and he's the root

That's the place all chords begin

We're two of a kind

If you're colorblind!

Sep'rate mothers but we're brothers under the skin!

So what more can we tell ya, folks?
We're partners 'til the end
It's nice to know my brother here is
Also my best friend!

And when this duet's over

And the music's growin' dim

As the undertaker starts his spiel

Please remind him we're a package deal

'Cause you can't have verve

Without the vim

And you can't have me
If you don't have him!

Yeah, you can't have me if you don't have him!

Written by:
Marc Shaiman, Scott Michael Wittman

Publisher:
Lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group

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